Naughty But Nice by Jane Weymouth

Our monthly writing exercise was about a cafe and travel. Jane has just finished the first draft of her novel and delighted us by showing her sense of humour, even if the travel aspect was a bit spurious.

Naughty But Nice

Lady Gertrude was putting on weight. Her horse was beginning to sag in the middle when she mounted it. Her husband, the squire, decided to put her on a diet. He had a quiet word with Cook.

  “No more cakes and pastries, puddings or deserts for her Ladyship, Cook, just fruit, no sugar, cream or custard.”

  Gertrude enjoyed her rides out into the surrounding countryside. She could ride for miles and still stay on their land.

  “Such good exercise, you know”. She said to the groom who heaved her up every morning into the saddle.

  “Yes, I suppose it is”, he answered sweating and grunting.

  Feeling peckish, she stopped in the village to buy a cake at the baker’s shop.

  “These cakes are so delicious. I wonder”, she said, “Could you deliver some to the manor barn every week. Then my husband won’t know about it – he moans so if I eat fatty foods”.

  “Right you are, my Lady,” the baker replied, “Would Tuesdays suit you?”

  “Oh, yes”, she said, in delicious anticipation.

  This arrangement continued for a few weeks. Then, one day, the squire received a poison pen letter, saying “Your wife is having an affair with the baker – they meet in the barn.”

  That afternoon, he followed his wife to the barn, but the baker had gone, leaving floury footprints behind!

  “So it’s true, Gertrude, you’ve been deceiving me with the baker. How could you do this to me?”

  “I’m sorry, darling, I just couldn’t resist his buns – and I never get any at home!”

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About Rosemary Noble

Writer, author, amateur historian and traveller
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